For all teenagers. Do you enjoy my writing?
“I don’t want to live with you,” Jane screamed at her husband, Morgan, the veins at her neck popping out. “I hate you Morgan.”
Morgan swatted the phone book at the wall and kicked the stool at his side. “I hate you more Jane. I was forced to marry you. I never loved you.”
“Fine,” Jane said, walking from behind the table. “Leave me, let me marry him, let me choose for myself for one time in my life.”
“I never stopped you from doing anything. You always treated me like a puppet at your hands and I remained silent.” Morgan dashed to the bathroom and after washing his face; he went into his room and took off his clothes.
“You can’t leave.” His wife said, tearing the shirt off Morgan’s hand and throwing it at the chair. “Be a man for one time in your life, face me.”
“What do you want me to do?” Morgan yelled, “I just don’t want to be with you,”
Jane raised her palm and was about to slap Morgan, but Morgan grasped her from the wrist and threw her hand away.
As he was about to open his mouth, the phone at the drawer beside his bed rang with moonlight sonata tone.
Morgan replied with a much lower, serious voice. “Hello.”
Jane watched him as the speaker on the other handle spoke. Morgan’s eyes widened slowly and all of a sudden, he said, “When that happened? I’m coming.”
After placing the handle back, he collapsed at his bed and rested his head against his hands. “Mom is dying,” he said to the ground, “A car crashed her.”
Jane spoke no word on their way to Morgan’s mother. She sat at the back seat, gazing through the half-drawn window at the world outside. She remembered her dead mother who committed suicide after her father’s death.
It was three years ago. She was sitting beside her mother at the balcony, drinking at a mug of American coffee and reading Stephen King’s new book “the stand.” Her mother got to her feet with a dejected look all over her face. “Life is so sad,” she said as she gazed at the world in front of her. “Your father was a good man, he didn’t deserve to die.”
“I know that Mom, but we must forget.” Jane spoke, careless to move her eyes from the pages. “Just relax and everything will be fine.”
All of a sudden, she heard a loud scream that diminished slowly downwards.
Jane got to her feet and peered at the body of her mother, resting in the middle of the street, with an ever-increasing patch of blood around her.
Back at the car, Morgan parked in front of his mother’s house and Jane walked out, wiping a tear with her knuckle.
Inside, they found Morgan’s mother reclining in her bed with the quilt wrapped all over her body. Her eyes were swollen with remains of make up under her eyes. Her right arm was raised on a rope that hung from the ceiling.
She tilted her eyes the moment she saw her son with his wife at the door of her room. “Thank you for coming.” She said her voice airy and weak.” Sit down.”
Erda, the servant walked into the room with two chairs in her hand. After thanking her, Morgan and Edna sat beside each other at the side of the bed, smiling at Morgan’s mother.
“Please bring some tea for them, Edna.” Morgan’s mother said, “I know I really annoyed you today but, sorry.”
Edna smiled, wearing her white skirt over which a red apron hung. “Glad to serve you Mrs. Wilkinson” and she headed to the kitchen.
“What happened mother?” Morgan said, arching forward in his chair and pressing his mother’s stuffy hand. “Edna called me and I headed directly to you.”
“Your eyes are teary Jane,” Mrs. Wilkinson said, “Have you been fighting again?”
“Forget about it mother,” Morgan said hastily trying to drive the conversation away from his troubles with Jane.
“I’m dying Morgan,” she said, with crystal eyes. “I want to feel that I left my son in a safe place in life.”
Morgan dropped his head to the wooden ground and eyed Jane who sat expressionless beside him. “What do you think? Is everything all right?”
“We had a fight.” Jane said, “He refuses to buy me a new car.”
Mrs. Wilkinson laughed uneasily, but, shortly, she started coughing. Morgan arched lower in his chair, forcing some water down his mother’s pale lips. “ don’t talk.”
“I have to say something my boy,” she said, holding her son’s hand and patting it gently. “If you were really a child, a true child, instead of worrying about what you can’t do, you would contemplate Creation in silence. And you would become used to looking calmly at the world, nature, history and the sky.
"If you really were a child, at this moment you would be singing Hallelujah for the things before you. Then – free from tensions, fears and useless questions – you would use this time to wait with curiosity and patience for the things in which you invested so much love to bear fruit
Tagged with: back seat • clothes • dead mother • fathe • google • mom • moonlight sonata • morgan morgan • palm • phone book • puppet • script type • sonata • suicide • text javascript • time in my life • veins
Filed under: Old World Bar Stools
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I think it gets better as it progresses, but the beginning is very forced. The first pieces of dialogue are not very realistic. How old are you? If you are a teenager you probably should write something that you yourself can relate to as this is clearly and adult theme. My favourite line is when the mother says "life is so sad" I think when you write simplistically about complex themes there is an element of power within the writing that isnt achieved otherwise. This use of dialogue makes up for where discription possibly lacks.
The argument at the start is childish, ie "i hate you more" I think this could be used for effect but isnt appropriate for the scene.
more show not tell is needed to, which is mandatory and pretty tedious but is SO important. Good work on the lack of adjectives though.
Morgan dashed to the bathroom and after washing his face; he went into his room and took off his clothes. I really don’t understand this line. I think "dashed" is the wrong word to use, it makes the moment seem less serious. Why is he taking off his clothes? And then he leaves in a hurry… without any getting dressed. hmm. "a car crashed her" ?? I think she should already be sick, the revelations she has suggest she has been thinking about this for a long time, what she will say to her son.
But yea, keep writing, and working it, if you want to appeal to a mainstream teenage audience, teenage themes are more relateable. Please don’t take offence, only trying to help and I appreciate when people are thorough with my writing. It’s the only way to improve.
o_O
TOO MUCH TOO READ!
tldr
Alright one, im a really good creative writer. And i think first off, you should have started with an anecdote, or at least make the first part interesting. Your description and vocabulary is very minimal.
And you let a boring story draw on way too long.
ya its good, but a little dramatic
I read the first sentence about her veins popping out of her neck and was like AHHH! Kind of creepy..
that was good. when u make a book tell me. i will totally read it!