For all teenagers. Do you enjoy my writing?
Saturday, April 17th, 2010 at
12:13 pm
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Tagged with: back seat • clothes • dead mother • fathe • google • mom • moonlight sonata • morgan morgan • palm • phone book • puppet • script type • sonata • suicide • text javascript • time in my life • veins
Filed under: Old World Bar Stools
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I think it gets better as it progresses, but the beginning is very forced. The first pieces of dialogue are not very realistic. How old are you? If you are a teenager you probably should write something that you yourself can relate to as this is clearly and adult theme. My favourite line is when the mother says "life is so sad" I think when you write simplistically about complex themes there is an element of power within the writing that isnt achieved otherwise. This use of dialogue makes up for where discription possibly lacks.
The argument at the start is childish, ie "i hate you more" I think this could be used for effect but isnt appropriate for the scene.
more show not tell is needed to, which is mandatory and pretty tedious but is SO important. Good work on the lack of adjectives though.
Morgan dashed to the bathroom and after washing his face; he went into his room and took off his clothes. I really don’t understand this line. I think "dashed" is the wrong word to use, it makes the moment seem less serious. Why is he taking off his clothes? And then he leaves in a hurry… without any getting dressed. hmm. "a car crashed her" ?? I think she should already be sick, the revelations she has suggest she has been thinking about this for a long time, what she will say to her son.
But yea, keep writing, and working it, if you want to appeal to a mainstream teenage audience, teenage themes are more relateable. Please don’t take offence, only trying to help and I appreciate when people are thorough with my writing. It’s the only way to improve.
o_O
TOO MUCH TOO READ!
tldr
Alright one, im a really good creative writer. And i think first off, you should have started with an anecdote, or at least make the first part interesting. Your description and vocabulary is very minimal.
And you let a boring story draw on way too long.
ya its good, but a little dramatic
I read the first sentence about her veins popping out of her neck and was like AHHH! Kind of creepy..
that was good. when u make a book tell me. i will totally read it!