If your in the mood to read an intro about an alcoholic. what do you think?
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Tagged with: autumn night • baby jesus • chariot • cigarette • deep breath • fiery horse • fruitless attempt • google • little angels • little baby • mustache • myriad • pockets • police batons • police officer • prelude • prologue • script type • text javascript • tired old man
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Sounds like you enjoy pulp detective stories, huh?
I think there’s too much unwarranted exposition with "The former boxer, the once inspired poet, writer, and painter". Either scrap it, trim it, or put in something like "failed husband" (you can think of something snazzier, I’m sure), so that it actually relates.
I like some of the other off-topic glimpses at characters, though. The old man with the Baby Jesus. It’d probably be a little more urbanely witty if you said why the police officer is slowly growing the ‘tash, or even mention him maybe stroking it and thinking about its growth, rather than really paying attention. Vanity’s funny, especially when it’s moustache vanity.
I don’t like "bizarre kingdom", either. It’s shoving in your thoughts about the scenario, rather than the (much more preferable, in my opinion) thoughts of the characters and the facts. A more tactile and urban, less judgmental word would be better. "Asphault kingdom". Something like that.
Apart from that, it’s good enough. Like an early Chandler story.
It sounds really, really good. I would totally read this. Do you have a title yet? Also, how much of it do you have done?