Is my third person okay?

2 Comments

1. Mizzuz Spock [hex zero rouge] says:

   September 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

   Just testing something.

   Yahoo won’t let me post on your other question. Will it let me post here…?

   EDIT: For some reason, Yahoo keeps giving me one of its retarded "Oops!" messages every time I try to comment on your other blurb, so I’ll just post what I have written about that. (Which I liked a lot better than this one, btw.) But it was also posted after this, so I think it’s safe to assume you did some touch-ups?

   Anyway, here’s what I wanted to say about your other post:

   First of all, I have to admit to a terrible deed. I’ve been stalking your questions for awhile, but never answering. You ask so many questions all the time, and I figured you had enough help–you didn’t need Mizzuz Spock’s two-cents to add to your heaping pile of quarters.

   But I feel I have to step up and say a few things right here and now after reading this.

   One: Your third-person voice is much stronger and enjoyable to read than when you write in first-person.

   And two: I’ve got some tips to throw at you.

   Your dialogue is a bit dodgy. Not the actual dialogue itself. I like it. It feels real enough for the story and you’ve got some fun stuff in there. However, the formatting is all out of whack.

   For example: “ Don’t worry it ain’t poisoned.” the bartender smirked, and walked off to the back of the bar.

   Should be: "Don’t worry, it ain’t poisoned." The bartender smirked and walked off to the back of the bar.

   There are several places where you leave out commas and things, and I’m willing to admit I’m too lazy to point them all out, but if you get a Beta reader, I’m sure they’ll gladly do it for you. Just remember that commas go wherever there would be a natural split-second pause in a sentence. (Ex: "Look, Sally. The thing is, I just don’t understand what you’re talking about. I’m not a dictionary, okay?")

   Also, I feel you don’t need to repeat "Alice Hope" after you’ve introduced her the first time. Just call her "Alice."

   I also noticed some "there" confusion.

   There: She put the dollar right there on the counter.
   Their: She put their dollar right there on the counter.
   They’re: They’re going to find out she put their dollar right there on the counter.

   Overall, I think the pacing of this is pretty good, though I do find it a bit of a stretch to imagine bars and drinking in heaven. Also, aren’t angels suppose to be creatures of light and energy and all those good feelings that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Though I always imagined God as a pretty cool guy, willing to get with the times. Hell, I even wrote a short story where he plays poker with Satan. And in the land of fiction, anything is possible. xD

   You’ve got a lot of convention and grammar problems, but the story itself and the writing style sticks its hand up through all the muck and grabs the reader, anyway. I enjoyed this.
2. BellaBug says:

   September 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

   I like it, it’s very good. Write it in first person if you would like, then when your done see which version you like better. The idea is very unique if you ask me. I would honestly buy this if it were published. Keep writing.