The bartender notices and asks the man "whats going on?"

The man replies " I got tired of carrying around a cell phone and losing it…so I had a phone inserted into my hand…..now I can call my wife, work or friends whenever I want"

The bartender replied that this was impossible.

The man asked the bartender for his phone # and dialed it on his hand, held his hand to the bartender’s ear and let him hear the dial tone.

The bartender repied that this was incredible and would have to look into having it done himself.

With that the man excused himself to the restroom. 5 minutes went by, then 10 and the bartender became worried.

The bartender went to the restroom door and knocked, with no reply. Finally the bartender throws open the door and found the man spread-eagle up against the wall with his pants down and a piece of toilette paper hanging from his a**.

The bartender asked "are you OK?"

The man replies " yes, I’m receiving a fax"

The bartender says " sorry, we cant serve you with that pet in here"

The man, thinking quickly respnds " Sir, i’m blind and thats my seeing- eye dog"

The bartender apologizes and serves his drink.

Another man wanders in with a Chihuahua dog and sits next to the first man.

The first man says " they wont serve you here with that dog, unless you tell them you’re blind"

The bartender approaches and again refuses to serve.

The second man quickly respnds " Sir, i’m blind and thats my seeing- eye dog"

The bartender replies " I’m not stupid, Chihuahua’s are not seeing-eye dogs"

The second man responds "he’s a CHIHUAHUA???

I live in Ireland, are you able to get a loan, make the bar, pay it off? And if I started the business, would I have to go to college to learn to become a bartender to tend my own bar? Because I wouldnt want to not work in it…

Any input would be great, thanks.

Keep in mind the format changed cause of the copy paste transformation to yahoo.

EXT. WILD WEST TOWN – DAY

A man named Richard Gnarles (is called Striker though) is riding a wooly horse in the Nevada desert and barely makes it up a mountain top to where a town is now visibly seen up ahead that is scorched by heat and a decline of residents. The dirt roads are deserted with only dozens of tumble weeds to accompany them.

The man is wearing a white trench coat with a brown cowboy hat that is hiding his face through out this scene and has white long shaggy hair as well. Step by step he rides into the town where the few residents inside their houses and outside glare at him surprised they have a visitor.

Striker slowly rides his horse down a dirt road while being stared at until he reaches a large building at the end labeled "West Wild Stay!". He parks his horse in front of the pub.

INT. WEST WILD STAY – DAY

The place is filled with about a dozen men all enjoying themselves with liquor to fill the room. The bartender sits down nestled into his chair behind the bar table. The bartender is an over weight man with large side burns and a very noticeable mole under his left eye.

Light peeks into the room from the front door, where STRIKER is revealed to be coming in from. The room goes quiet and again eyes peer down on him. He lowers his head ignoring the tense vibes in the room and walks to the bar to sit. Light patterns in from the door continuing to swing open and close.

STRIKER

[keeping his head down with his hat still] Can I have some water for my horse outside as well as a shot of the hardest liquor you have..Thank you.

The bartender arises from his chair and begins to fix Striker what he wanted.

BARTENDER

[still shuffling around to get Striker his drink] This liquor we have won’t be easy to take down…I’d reckon you think twice before drinking it. [looks back at Striker to find that he isn't giving any reaction to what he said]

2.

BARTENDER

[Cont'd] Well alright so be it stranger..

The bartender lays a bucket of water on the counter in front of Striker and a shot glass. He fills the shot glass with some clear alcohol.

STRIKER

[still hiding his face] How much?

BARTENDER

[wiping his hands with a dirty white cloth] Well let’s see the water with the liquor is about 6 dollars for everything..

STRIKER

Thanks..I don’t plan on taking all of this liquor down anyway. [Slams money onto the counter while quickly taking down half of the liquor in the shot glass]

BARTENDER

[picking up the money off the counter.] Well then what else do you plan on taking down? [ he finds a crumbled up paper in the money and straightens out to reveal a picture of an overweight man with large sideburns and a mole under his left eye printed on it.]

The words "WANTED 0 FOR CAPTURE OR 0 FOR DEATH" are in bold on top of the picture. Fear takes over the bartender as he realizes his past has caught up with him. In his fright the men in the bar begin to watch him.

STRIKER

[Raises his head to reveal a red eye patch over his left eye with a white star logo on it.] YOU!

3.

STRIKER

[Raises his head to reveal a red eye patch over his left eye with a white star logo on it.] YOU!
That’s right thank you (:

It’s written like a script and the format has changed cause copy and paste. Thanks!

INT. WEST WILD STAY – DAY

The place is filled with about a dozen men all enjoying themselves with liquor to fill the room. The bartender sits down nestled into his chair behind the bar counter. The bartender is an over weight man with large side burns and a very noticeable mole under his left eye.

Light peeks into the room from the front door, where Striker is revealed to be coming in from. The room goes quiet and again eyes peer down on him. He lowers his head ignoring the tense vibes in the room and walks to the bar to sit. Light patterns in from the door continuing to swing open and close.

STRIKER

[keeping his head down with his hat still] Can I have some water for my horse outside as well as a shot of the hardest liquor you have..Thank you.

The bartender arises from his chair and begins to fix Striker what he wanted.

BARTENDER

[still shuffling around to get Striker his drink] This liquor we have won’t be easy to take down…I’d reckon you think twice before drinking it. [looks back at Striker to find that he isn't giving any reaction to what he said]

BARTENDER

[Cont'd] Well alright so be it stranger..

The bartender lays a bucket of water on the counter in front of Striker and a shot glass. He fills the shot glass with some clear alcohol.

STRIKER

[still hiding his face] How much?

BARTENDER

[wiping his hands with a dirty white cloth] Well let’s see the water with the liquor is about 1.50 for everything..

STRIKER

Thanks..I don’t plan on taking all of this liquor down anyway. [Slams money onto the counter while quickly taking down half of the liquor in the shot glass]

BARTENDER

[picking up the money off the counter.] Well then what else do you plan on taking down? [ he finds a crumbled up red paper in the money and straightens it out to reveal a picture of an overweight man with large sideburns and a very noticeable mole under his left eye printed on it.]

The words "WANTED 0 FOR CAPTURE OR 0 FOR DEATH" are in bold on top of the picture. Fear takes over the bartender as he realizes his past has caught up with him. In his fright the men in the bar begin to watch him.

STRIKER

[Raises his head to reveal a red eye patch over his left eye with a white star logo on it.] YOU!

BAR GUEST

[yelling to the bartender] Hey Rick! You OK?

BARTENDER

[backs away in shock knocking his wall of alcohol] Striker…

Striker looks back with the corner of his eyes counting the amount of men that have guns shown at their waste. He reaches for a cigarette in his trench coat pocket.

STRIKER

[sticking the cigarette in his mouth with another hand in his trench coat] Any of you fellas have a match by any chance?

BAR GUEST

[quickly stands up knocking his chair back] We ain’t got a match for you white hair…What did you do to Rick!

The group of men all prepare to take out their handguns since Striker doesn’t reply to the bar guest. The red patch on Striker’s eye begins to glow faintly as he looks back at the men looking at him.

STRIKER

Nevermind. I found a match. [pulls out a match from his trench coat and lights it]…trust me Rick this is going to hurt you more than it’s going to hurt me.

BEAT.

Striker chucks the half filled shot of liquor at Rick’s face breaking the glass on impact and then throws the lit match to add onto it. Rick’s face quickly catches on fire. Rick grasps his face and crashes into his liquor wall causing alcohol bottles to splatter everywhere spreading the fire.

The room bursts out in to gun fire. Striker jumps on top of the counter and dodges every bullet by darting across the room. He pulls out two large hand guns from his trench coat as he runs. The men in the room repeatedly shoot at him making Striker having to run extremely fast towards a wall.

Striker jumps and plunges off the wall with his right leg to do a spinning back flip above the room and the dozen of men. While above them he points his two large handguns down at them and shoots each one down in the head. Out of the handguns shoot out a spread of bullets and blood quickly fills up the bar.

Striker lands on to his feet right by the front door. Everyone in the bar falls down dead. Striker puts his guns away and heads for his bucket of water ignoring the chaotic fire surrounding him and leaves the bar.

I don’t want one liners like "patio furniture", nor crude and sexually explicit jokes. I want a good story with a good punch line. Like the following, but new, a different one. This was my joke from last year.

At a bar, there was one Irishman, already three sheets to the wind, who walked up to another Irishman, who wasn’t feeling any pain either, and said, "Would ye be standing a fellow country man to drink."

"To be sure," says the other, "Let’s drink to old Erin."

They down their shots, which the Bartender refilled.

"Now where in that fair land do ye hail from?

"I’m from the county o’ Cork."

"The divil ye say, I’m from Cork, too!"

And so they drink to Cork and the glasses are refilled.

"And where did ye go to school now?"

"Why I went to St. Mary’s."

"Saints be praised! That’s where I went, too."

So they drink to St. Mary’s and the barkeep refills the shots.

"And what year did ye graduate?"

"That’d be 19 and 62."

"No! If yer not spinning me some blarney, that’s the very year I graduated, too!"

Drink and refill, hooting and hollering, back slapping as I waked in and asked the bartender what the heck was going on.

"Not much," said the Barman, "Just the O’Malley twins getting drunk again."

I’m trying this again….

There was a game that you could download off the internet, but I can’t remember the name. The game was focused on you, as a bartender, and you started out with one bar.

You worked on advertising, making new drinks, buying new things and furniture for your bar, making money and eventually buying another bar and starting the process all over again, this time with another bar, until you’d bought all the bars in the area.

When my computer crashed, I lost the game. Does anyone know what it is called or where to find it???
I don’t think it is diner dash, because it only had to do with a bar (alcoholic beverages, that sort of thing), and the graphics are a little older…

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

————————

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

——————————

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6′ 2, weighs 225 and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′ 5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

artrifical intellegence.

Another blonde joke
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

As everyone is asking for stars if you find this funny give me a star please. oh yh and if its really lame im sorry

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2", weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5" pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshiel
This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"