How to respectfully deal with an addict father-in-law?
So my wife’s father-in-law is an alcoholic and addicted to who knows what else. He lives in a house by himself that should probably be condemned. He has no job, is in poor health, and is a general burden on society. His wife (also an alcoholic) had severe liver failure and left him a year ago because he wouldn’t take her to the hospital (he also broke her wrist and has been beating her since my wife was a child). They still talk however, but live separately in the same town.
My wife, a typical child of alcoholic parents, has tried her hardest to maintain a civil relationship with both of them. She is much closer to her mother now that she almost died, but her father still thinks he farts rainbows. Most of his family is also alcoholic abusers, so they do a great job of validating him.
At thanksgiving, my wife attended a dinner with her father and some of his family. During this visit, he told her that he was trying to make some money by refinishing furniture. He did used to be a skilled carpenter. My wife mentioned that we were looking for a nice chest of drawers, and he said he had a nice oak one that he was restoring, and that he wanted 5 for it. She called me to ask if it was something I’d be interested in, and I said fine, but he’s not getting paid until its done and I see it.
Two weeks later, during another visit, he tells my wife that he can’t afford the stripper, stain, and other supplies that he needs to finish the dresser. It’s going to cost him for this stuff. By the time I was aware of it, he already guilted her into giving it to him. I was a little upset, but he did used to be a carpenter, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he could do something worthwhile with this thing (but I still haven’t seen it).
So last week, he says he’s done with it and my wife’s brother brings it over to exchange it for the remaining . This thing had maybe one coat of varnish on the top and fronts of the drawers, and new but cheap plastic hardware. The sides were obviously stripped of paint but there was no other treatment done to them. There were holes in the drawer panels, the panels on the sides were warped from water damage, and the main supporting cross bar on the bottom was rotted through from water damage, and completely broken in half. The entire inside was moldy and looked like it had been pulled out of a flood.
So I was outraged and sent it back. I knew I’d never see that again, but that was ok. I most most upset about the fact that he would try to pass this piece of junk off as something that was worth 5. I’m still deeply insulted by the whole ordeal, but I know it’s behavior typical of addicts. I can forgive him, but he’ll never get another dollar out of us. The worst part is how it has affected my wife. Her whole life her job was to be the peacekeeper so that her father wouldn’t get mad and beat her mother. She feels like every mishap is her responsibility and it kills me. Her father’s family will call her and give her guilt trips on his behalf, making her feel even more like it’s her responsibility to make sure he’s ok. If it wasn’t for me, she would have just kept that moldy piece of crap, paid him the rest of the money and thanked him for it. He would have then continued to use her and take advantage of her, and I just wasn’t going to let that happen.
My wife and her father have talked once for a brief few minutes two days ago, but no mention was made of this dresser.
We are going up to her mother’s apartment tomorrow for a post-Christmas family dinner. It’s going to be my wife and I, her mother and father, and her brother. I’m not sure how to deal with what is sure to be an elephant in the room. I would really like to be civil, it being Christmas and all, but it’s going to kill me to sit there and not say anything if that’s what everyone chooses to do. If I opt to not go, I will be the one that looks like the faulty party, and they will all validate each other and feel like what he did was perfectly fine, and that I was too "high class" to not accept this furniture that he "worked so hard on."
I don’t know what to do. Not going doesn’t seem to be an option. I’m not going to let my wife go up there alone. If she goes, I go. If I go, either the atmosphere is going to be tense and awkward, or someone will bring up the dresser. I’d love to tell him off and let him know what a waste of organic matter he his, but I’m not going to stand there and do that in front of his entire family. But I can’t let him think that what he did was OK either. He took advantage of his own daughter, my wife, which I find absolutely despicable.
Any useful advice?
Thank you all for your input so far. It will be really hard to sit there and pretend nothing’s wrong. I think I’ll be able to keep my cool if the subject is brought up. I guess I just really want him to know that I am aware and insulted by what he tried to do to us. It’s how to do this without starting a fight with an unreasonable alcoholic that I’m having trouble with…
And taking that piece of junk and giving him more money was out of the question. This wasn’t the first time he tried to take advantage of her, and allowing him to disrespect my wife (his daughter!) like that just wasn’t going to happen. I am totally convinced that I did the right thing, I’ve cut my losses, I just want to take care of the rest as civilly as possible.
As soon as I turn 18, I’m definitely going to apply for a job at a bar!