Women’s English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you idiot!

You’re so…manly = You need to shave and you sweat alot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men’s English

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice boobs!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I’m trying to feel you up

What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys

Men are like….

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders . You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest aren’t good enough

Willys cynical thought for the day;

If you’ll come to my funeral I’ll freaking go to yours!

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…Go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not over reacting! = I’ve got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

And especially; guys make multiple prints of this un, I can’t remember all the times this lil knowledge has saved me;

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful please

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT’S WRONG?"…..

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such a pain in the butt

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S ENGLISH

"I’m hungry" = I’m hungry

"I’m sleepy" = I’m sleepy

"I’m tired" = I’m tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense; let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What’s wrong?" = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What’s wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What’s wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I’m bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let’s have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = and it doesn’t look any different!

"Let’s talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!!!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

From; WILLYS JOKES 7/24/06 Taking a Shower! Best jokes online